Priest Simulator – Review

First-person shooter Priest Simulator bills itself as a “mockumental” action game in which the player assumes the role of a vampire named Orlok who, along with his girlfriend, is teleported (from hell) to a Polish town populated by colourful puppets.

Orlok was broadcasting his battle against a demon named Bebok in Hell for the purpose of gaining more followers and “Splendor” before he was accidentally transported to Poland (in a way clout). Following his teleportation to Poland, Orlok encounters a dubious pastor going by the name of “Torpedo,” who takes advantage of the public’s perception of him by exorcising him in an effort to prove to the locals that he is not a con artist out to fund his gambling habit.

Somehow, the exorcism was successful, and all of Orlok’s Vampire abilities vanished. So that he can return to hell, but only with his powers, Orlok plays the role of the town’s Priest.

If that sounds absurd, know that it’s just a taste of the absurdity and confusion that Priest SImulator brings to the table. A lot of the game’s mechanics aren’t translated or explained very well, adding to the already substantial amount of ambiguity.
There appears to be a page for upgrading your stats, but it gives no indication of whether or not these stats actually increase as you play.

There are some parts of the game that are essential to teaching it, but they aren’t covered, and it’s unclear why.
The fact that Orlok had to go through a series of hoops before the game’s characters would help or point him in the right direction in order to regain his powers is also well explained. Orlok must start from scratch in order to gain notoriety and Splendor before people will follow him in Poland, where everyone is just as corrupt or has some questionable characteristics as Orlok is (and no one will give him a bone, even if he is a celebrity vampire from hell).

Gameplay becomes more accessible as Orlok completes missions. The church can be restored by purchasing upgrades with “resources,” which can be obtained by breaking things around the world. In addition to acquiring the blueprints for new weapons through missions, players can spend “Black Metal” (a resource for upgrading weapons) and other materials to purchase new and improved weapons that will aid in their quest to convert non-Christians to Christianity.

In general, the gameplay is satisfying and enjoyable, despite the game’s wacky setting. Adding optional tasks like exorcism, sermons, and confessions listening could increase the game’s appeal. Gaining followers is tied to completing side missions, and completing those missions is necessary for advancement, but you are under no obligation to do so.

The biggest problem with the game is that some of the details were lost in translation (or the lack of it). By not explaining themselves, they add to the mystery and intrigue of the game. Ugly as sin, the game may be on purpose; placeholders for content that hasn’t been made yet are a possibility. Sometimes the quest indicators aren’t exactly where they need to be, and you’ll have to figure out where or what it is.

Despite the game’s many flaws, including the ones I just listed, Priest Simulator is not unplayable. The plot is so terrible that it’s almost endearing, and it could be what pulls you deeper and deeper into the abyss of insanity that is “modern Poland,” as envisioned by the game’s creators.